theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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