I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
