so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize