My liver just broke up with me...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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