True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
