The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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