i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
