Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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