when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
