he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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