Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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