First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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