where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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