Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
