dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
