Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
