I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
