Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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