do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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