I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
