You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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