You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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