I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
