i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
