4 words: hood of his car
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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