I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
