her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize