Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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