Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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