Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
