Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
