you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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