Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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