If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
