I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
