In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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