It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
