I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My life is pants optional.
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