And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
vagina is talking i cant
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
