dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
