Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
