I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
