I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
