I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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