Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
