somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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