Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
