just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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