Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
