Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
