hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
