hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize