So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I am one with the molecules
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
