the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
