i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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