They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
only you would photoshop your dick
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
