So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
