At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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