Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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