On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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