dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
