he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize