I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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