highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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