Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Are we still banned from the library?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize