the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize