I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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